The following letter is entirely fictional, and satirical. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a ProHo is a person who only dates professional athletes such as mountain bikers and snowboarders as a status symbol.

Dear ProHo,

I'd like to eventually become a ProHo but I'd like to get some practice first with the amateurs. Do you have any good tips or advice for someone who's just getting started? - AmateurHo

Dear AmateurHo,

First off, I want to congratulate you on taking those first tentative steps towards becoming a ProHo. I know it can be a little intimidating at first, but by having the courage to write this letter I can see you're already well on your way.

So you want to practice with amateur racers? You're right about one thing, it's an excellent place to start, and you'll gain some valuable skills for that day when you move up to the big time.

The goal of any AmateurHo should of course, always be the promotion of your rider (and by association, yourself) to Pro status. And let me tell you, there is something supremely satisfying about helping an Amateur make the leap to Pro. But more importantly, because you were with your rider from their humble beginnings, you will be able to combat the venom of the jealous and ungifted by appearing more like a girlfriend and less like a camp follower.

The most important thing to keep in mind with amateurs is their teeny tiny egos. Most Pro level riders have time, skill, and lucrative product endorsements to buffer their pride, but Ams need a lot more help. You will need to spend a ridiculous amount of time reassuring your Am that they are not only the best rider around, but also the coolest, hottest, most intelligent person you've ever met.

Unfortunately, right out flattery is just not an option with most Ams, once again, because of that microscopic ego. You will need to instill your absolute faith in much more subtle ways. The innocent question is one of my favorites. To pull this one off effectively you need a careful mix of limited knowledge and unintended admiration.

"Didn't you say that 15' drops were really hard? Wasn't that one you just rode way higher than that?"

However, the best lines are always those that you can direct towards their fellow riders. Get them to teach you a basic but important biking skill, and then keep a sharp watch for someone who fails to use that skill and crashes horribly. You can use these opportunities to point out that the injured rider obviously didn't use a skill that comes so naturally to your Am.

"Oh, I wish that guy had talked to you first before he tried that jump, he probably wouldn't have crashed if you had told him about that front brake thing."

You can also use your Am's ego to your advantage, by establishing yourself as a lucky charm at their races. This will probably be the most difficult skill to master. First, gauge your rider's confidence and health. As well, consider carefully any other factors, including the track or the weather, that might help or hinder their race performance. To succeed you must do your homework. Don't leave anything to chance. Be sure to ONLY attend races where they'll have a fair chance of success. When you are there, make sure they see you before the race, but not so close to the start that you could be considered a distraction. And ALWAYS be at the finish line to offer congratulations or consolation. The more superstitious amateur (i.e. the ones who don't wash their race gear all season for luck) will immediately begin to associate you're sweet self with victory.

Besides dealing with ego, which can often be used as a tool for your success, there is one other less palatable hardship you will still need to suffer through to gain success as an AmateurHo. You will need to actually, only occasionally, go mountain biking. But, be strong; if you have the intestinal fortitude to get your rider into the Pros, you will never have to face it again. Pro riders are far too focused on themselves and their careers to really care if you like riding. Sometimes just standing beside your bike will be enough to keep them satisfied for months. But, amateurs still hold to the wild delusion that they will be the lucky one that meets a partner that not only supports, but joins them in their obsession.

Before you begin to panic, you need to know that occasional biking, as unsavory as it seems, can also be used to your advantage. For on thing, if you lose interest in your Am, it increases your stock with other riders tenfold. Whatever you do, never go near a bike without your Am. If you begin to enjoy the sport without your rider, all is lost and you will never reach your goal of becoming a true ProHo.

Another thought to bear in mind, beware the roguish charm of Amateur rider's. They have an intoxicating mix of flashy confidence and hidden vulnerability that has tempted many a promising ProHo away from her dream. You must always be ready to drop your Am immediately if he loses his Pro potential. As well, if you are going to drop him, use that itty bitty ego to your advantage. Dump him loudly and painfully immediately before the start of an important race. This will destroy your ex and give a decided advantage to your next choice.

I hope that answers your question and gives you a place to start. Good luck & happy hunting.

- P.H.