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A tale of drunkenness, debauchery, and another movie premiere *** WARNING - THIS ARTICLE IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN AND THOSE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED. DON'T READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU FALL INTO EITHER CATEGORY. *** |
I wonder if Tommy Lee ever has to ride across town on a 40-lb. bike to pick up his car the morning after a hard night of drinking...
I like to live my life with as few rules as possible. The ones that I have, I take very seriously. Two of them are as follows:
- Never plan anything too far ahead of time.
- Never put too much faith in plans involving Cory Leclerc.
So, a couple of weeks ago I found myself breaking two rules at once. Cory and I were discussing his little "Rock Star" contest for the Whistler premiere. It was decided that I would accompany the “winners” and write a story about the whole sordid ordeal. There it was. I planned too far ahead. I put faith in Cory that things would go according to plan. I’m a dumbass.
As decision day loomed, there were a couple of possibilities for a winner on the horizon. As the hour approached, Cory phoned me excitedly. “Dude! I got a boatload of girls to fill up the limo! You’re in luck! They’re all super hot and they all ride bikes!”
Once again, faith was put in Cory. Plans were made around a “boatload of girls.” Booze was purchased. Excitement was generated. But…It wasn’t 5 hours before:
“Dude! The girls didn’t work out. Looks like you got yourself a sausage party.”
Depression set in. I poured most of the booze bought for the limo ride into a giant pitcher and drank for hours alone in my apartment with the lights turned out. I took the family pack of condoms and the tub-o-lube back to the pharmacy. I stopped answering Cory’s phone calls as I feared the next change in plans would sound like this:
“Dude! Prison is hard! This guy just got out the joint and he had a tonne of dirtbag stories. Anyhow, looks like you got a carload of felons for the trip up to Whistler. I think they’re expecting hand jobs.”
I returned to the pharmacy for the lube, just in case.
I managed to avoid Cory for the next couple of days and rolled up to the designated meeting spot with absolutely no idea who had won, what they looked like or what they wanted me to do with my fingers.
I was presently surprised to see that everybody looked pretty normal. There were no love/hate knuckle tattoos, denim vests or mullets. There were no lazy eyes, bad breath or body odour. There wasn’t even any surfer lingo, “Dude!” calling or overly complicated bro shakes. Things were going to be alright after all. The crew was a collection of nice, entertaining individuals. There was Mike Meade, our contest winner and his lovely wife Shaeesta. They were able to turn this limo ride into a part of their weekend wedding anniversary celebration. Mike had brought along two of his riding buddies, George and Mark. And for entertainment he also brought along Alisha, a source of both estrogen and excitement. With the help of Dwayne, our extremely professional limo driver, we loaded up our copious amounts of booze and headed on our way. |
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Life as a limousine person is pretty enjoyable. We had comfortable leather seats to cushion our bums and a driver to make sure everything rolled along smoothly. We were able to get down to the task at hand without having to worry about trivial details like fuel, directions or swerving into oncoming traffic.
It started out like this:
Mark, myself and George. Drinking.
Which slowly turned into this:
Alisha, George and Shaeesta. Drinking.
Before becoming this:
The booze starts taking its toll.
Which turned a sharp corner into…whatever the hell this is:
Lord knows
All of this was probably of questionable legality, but we were all sure to use our seatbelts:
Safety first
After a dozen pee breaks, we arrived in Whistler and had a quick stagger over to the GLC. Cory was waiting for Mike with two hundred and fifty bucks to keep the festivities rolling. “Nobody pulls out their wallets tonight” said Mike. Ummm…Okay!
The GLC quickly filled up with pros and industry folk. It was my duty to make sure our crew was having a good time. Everybody was introduced to their pro rider of choice, pictures were taken and drinks were had.
George looks on as Cedric counts his millions. Watson and Mike take up space in the photograph.
Wade doesn’t realize that both people in this photograph have a crush on him.
Harookz could inject a good time into a funeral.
Here he entertains Randy Spangler and his significant other.
Harookz will have some photos from the premiere up soon so go take a look.
I missed lots of things that night, but by far the coolest was the Sombrio photo booth set up right in the middle of the GLC. I saw bright lights and I saw cameras, but I couldn’t really figure out what was going on. There are some really cool photos so go check it out. By the looks of things some people really like having their picture taken.
By the time the movie started things had progressed to an unreasonable level. I know that this is a terrible cliché, but I was honestly way too drunk to remember a thing about it. Not a single song, segment or trick. I’d love to tell you that it was the greatest bike movie ever created, but it’s a period of my life that has disappeared forever into one of the alcohol damaged sections of my mind. Stay off the booze kids. It’s no good.
With the movie over, we headed back to the limo. I wish I could say that we made the return trip to Vancouver in a snowstorm of hookers and blow, but it looked more like this:
Alisha and her boyfriend Mike live it up on the way back to Vancouver.
I’m not sure where Mike came from, but he was in the limo on the way back home.
Anyhow, thanks to my drunken stupidity, I need to see the movie again. Lucky for me, there’s a second showing Thursday, August 3rd at the Waldorf at 1489 East Hastings Street. Doors are at 8 p.m. and formal dress is encouraged. Come early as the boys aren’t kidding about limited capacity. Many people up in Whistler found out the hard way that it takes more than a pretty face and a pro model derailleur hanger to schmooze your way into a Pist-n-Broke show.
Tickets are available at COVE Bikes (both locations), Marzocchi Canada, On Top Bike Shop, and Tommy’s Café/Catering in NV. Dress nicely ‘cause the Sombrio photo booth will be there.
Thanks – Jay Sinclair and Griffin Transportation for hooking us up with the limousine. I’d highly recommend them for any of your limousine needs. James Durand and Marzocchi Canada for logistical support and booze money. Wade Simmons, Randy Spangler, Dave Watson and Cedric Gracia for keeping the contest winners happy. Cam, Stuart and Trish at NSMB for all their help.
Apologies – Dwayne the limo driver – Sorry for spilling booze all over the back of you limo and for leaving a gigantic mess. And thanks for the ride home. I was happy to not have to sleep in my backseat. Mr. Simmons, Mr. Spangler, Mr. Watson, Mr. Gracia and others – Sorry for accosting you in my drunken stupor. Anybody around me during the movie – Sorry for the yelling.
