Ask Uncle Dave
My Girl Rides like Crap and Wants to Come on Every Ride...
Dear Uncle Dave, (Originally published 2018-08-09)
I got myself into a relationship at the start of the year and its been going great but now she has taken interest in mountain biking. I used to ride about 3–4 times a week usually training and PR chasing during the week and fun leisure ride on Sunday with some friends. Most mountain bikers would think that having a significant other who enjoys the sport is a major plus but it's been really holding me back on progression and sucking the fun out of it. She wants to ride every time I do and her progression is non-existent.
We alternate between two trails that are 90% flat, with a few sections sprinkled with loose rocks. She walks the bike at any sign of rocks or uneven terrain. It's a constant stop-and-go hike-a-bike on every ride and it's very frustrating. I encourage her and give her tips but she just doesn't commit to anything and it's driving me up the wall. She is riding a very capable Specialized FSR XC from early 2000s with surprising well functioning Manitou Fork and Fox Float.
She has about five months experience but still doesn't know how to shift the gears after explaining to her just about every ride. I have been very good about hiding my disdain of riding with her and very supportive but I feel like I may be reaching a breaking point by writing to you. Between work and riding with her, I now have about one day to ride on the weekend, which I feel she wants to be included in. What should I do?
BTW #Lunacam is great
Thanks,
Dogfan
*with here?
Dear Dogger:
Thanks for the Instagram promotion (hey, they have Instagram on computers now!). I'm really bad at drawing people in to those sorts of things, so well done on your product placement.
Moving along. We've actually talked about relationships here, once before. It took me a while to dig it up, but here it is, and I'm really happy that I did. For two reasons.
- I talk about my visit to Croatia, where we hiked and ate and drank and plotted our trans-Atlantic move while obliviously wondering if there is any mountain biking in Croatia, literally standing in the dirt on the other side of the ridge that would very shortly host the Losinj World Cup DH.
- It's not half bad advice.
- Unlike this list numbering, I'm not going to directly contradict myself in the immediate future.
Managing Life's Priorities
I get it. I've gone through phases in my life where I couldn't imagine not riding my biking or skiing in the winter. It takes a lot of concentration and energy to find those feelings in myself these days. It's not that I don't like doing those things. It's just that as I age, there is less time for them. Less energy. Less capacity for dealing with soreness and injury. They'll always hold a place in my life, somewhere. But I'm sort of okay with drifting on a bit in life and finding other things to hold portions of my attention span. Like hydroponic vegetable gardening or taking photos of dogs.
This will be you at some point in your life. When you will look back at those days of riding 3-4 times per week fondly. Oh, sure, you might be one of those guys that ride every day and still spanks the twenty-somethings even though he is caressing the beginnings of 60. We all know a guy like that. But it's one guy. Literally, one guy, out of the hundreds of thousands of beer-bellied has-beens that ride occasionally and get really stressed out about how it's not enough.
There is nothing wrong with this. It is inevitable.
Making the Big Decision
That's the context I want you to hold while you think about this. How much of a compromise is this for you, right now? How much does this relationship add to your life in all other aspects, save for this one? Ten years from now, as you stare at your broken, muddy, obsolete bike that seldom gets ridden, will you feel pangs of regret over the-one-that-got-away-because-she-wasn't-a-good-enough-bike-rider? Because 30 years of getting screamed at to "take out the fucking garbage you lazy piece of shit!" is probably a lot worse than a few crappy bike rides every once in a while.
Managing Realities
Trust me, I hate talking about relationships. Talking about relationships sucks. But you need to talk about your relationship. With your partner. Not some jackass on the Internet. This could be anything from:
Direct: "It's so great that you are into riding bikes with me, but every once-in-a-while I need to get away to ride with my buddies."
The bait-and-switch: "You've been working so hard this week! I booked you a pedicure. Me? Oh, don't worry about me. I'll figure something out."
The less direct: "I've got to work really late tonight. Why am I taking my bike? Oh. I just have to drop it off at the shop for some stuff. Don't wait up!"
One way or another, you need to bring up the fact that, even though you really enjoy your time together, you want to sometimes ride your bike without her. Once you get to that point, you can work on some ways to better manage the logistics of how that occurs.
Shifting Issues: Buy her a bloody 1x drivetrain! Don't expect her to spring for that nonsense herself. Upgrade your own bike and swap your old parts over to her bike. Done.
Progression: You're probably a really shitty teacher. No offence. We can all be kind of bad at coaching people that we know. Expectations are set too high. Past frustrations bubble to the surface. We don't actually know what we are talking about. Standard stuff like that. Talk her into taking a lesson. Or a camp. She will improve much faster than by listening to you scream "push the lever! No! Not that one! Not that hard!" from the side of the trail. Maybe she'll even meet some new riding buddies?
Ride Management: Okay. You have to ride a crappy trail every once in a while. Chances are she's feeling gassed once you reach the end, and you're not? How about "You're feeling tired? Why don't you head back to the car and crack one of those cold beverages I brought along. I'm just going to head up for a quick lap on my own."
Bike: Wait a second. I just went and actually read through your entire question.* "She is riding a very capable Specialized FSR XC from the early 2000s". This is a joke, right? You've spent all this time writing out this question, and you thought you would inject it with a bit of humour? Scrap my advice on the shifting issues, buy her a new bloody bike! What are you riding? Is it some 26-inch wheeled, steep angled, XC monstrosity with first gen disc brakes and a 3x drivetrain? No? You wouldn't ride that shit? You wonder why she's struggling on easy trails while you bomb ahead on your carbon framed 29er with custom tuned suspension and a well-lubed dropper post? Come on, man! Take her bike shopping immediately, you cheap bastard.
Jesus.
Sorry,
Uncle Dave
*This isn't some kind of clever writing device. I honestly barely manage to read through these questions before I answer them.
mailto:[email protected]
and we'll get you hooked up!*Perhaps something about your girlfriend and her rad skills? Just a suggestion.
The MacAskill grip is my current favourite. It's slim with lots of bit and only one inboard locking collar. The grips also have a hard plug so they stay looking good when you ditch your bike like Danny. Lizard Skins' online store will let you custom etch whatever you like on the collars. What you see above is a mock up - it'll look more like the MacAskill you see on the black grip. You can choose between 6 grip colours and 3 different anodized colours on the collars as well. All this costs only 2.99 USD when you order online.
Lizard Skins Gloves. Pictured left to right, the Monitor SL, Monitor and Monitor HD.
Uncle Dave's Music Club
A few weeks ago, I had one of those events that shakes your very soul, and causes you to question everything. This was unexpected. Indeed, it was an event that I referred to in this very space, not that long ago. It was the Supersuckers 30th Anniversary Show.
I mean, any band that is around for 30 years, let alone putting on an anniversary show to celebrate that event, should at the very least be questioned. Any band that starts that tour in Kamloops should be intensely interrogated by a team of professionals. But I still really, really love Must've Been High. I've caught snippets of those songs live from them over the years, but a chance to see a "mini country set" reeled me right in.
Don't get me wrong, the men can still play. Indeed, Marty is much more of a guitar virtuoso than I remember. But at his advanced age, I would be happy that he could still hold a guitar, let alone let loose like he did. He appeared almost ghoulish up there on the stage. Like...cross the street if you see him coming down the street scary. As did Eddie. It was like somebody rolled into the Home for Old Aged Rock Lifestyle Victims and wheeled out the two sketchiest and decrepit residents to front a band (the drummer wasn't any fresher, but that's about what you expect out of a drummer).
And the crowd wasn't too far behind. I mean, jesus. I'm used to being the oldest man in the crowd, not the youngest. The beer bellies and the bald patches and the socks and sandals were absolutely distressing. It was a strange combination of rock meets orthopedic comfort. I felt a bit silly wearing my millenial camouflage outfit.
How did it get to this? I mean, how am I listening to a band that is celebrating 30 years of existence? I missed the first few years, but still. How did I end up going to shows that are so far off the radar of pretty much everybody but a bunch of 40/50-somethings living out past glory days? Why was I out so late on a school night? What the fuck happened? What am I doing here? Do I have any right handing out musical advice?
Not this week, I don't.
And, all things considered, it was a pretty great show!
Got a problem about your love life for Uncle Dave to solve? He actually loves answering those kinds of questions so send him one...
Comments
Beau Miller
5 years, 9 months ago
Go the other way? Pick yourself up a less capable bike, and ride that on rides with your girl.
I've done this quite a bit, worked out really well.
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Endur-Bro
5 years, 9 months ago
Being constantly over-biked isn't much fun.
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Nouseforaname
5 years, 9 months ago
"Barely hidden disdain". Consider mine not hidden, wanker.
Ditch the girl and buy yourself a mirror to mount on your bars so you can admire yourself mid ride. Ultimately the relationship you're looking for is yourself.
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
Ouch. Tough love.
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Tehllama42
5 years, 9 months ago
In all fairness, universally being a significant other is the fastest way to being a totally crap teacher. I'm objectively good at teaching a lot of things, and yet I still struggle at teaching my wife stuff. The only exception is shooting, probably because she's naturally better at that - also probably medicine, because she's also a hell of a lot better at anything related to that.
Real answer - put her on a more capable bike than you think she needs. That worked extremely well for me, even if we're on flat level bike paths, being on a slack 160mm travel 29er actually gives her the confidence to go for it... as for the rest, enjoy hitting every side squirrel trail, and practicing wheelies, cutties, and stoppies the whole way.
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fartymarty
5 years, 9 months ago
Get her on a good bike and ride a rigid single speed yourself.
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Endur-Bro
5 years, 9 months ago
Another idea is go for a ride with her.
Only this time she rides your bike for the entire ride and you ride her "very capable Specialized FSR XC from early 2000s with surprising well functioning Manitou Fork and Fox Float." Then we'll see who's having a blast on the trails.
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yahs
5 years, 9 months ago
At least he will have new grips and gloves. Earned from nsmb for being a world class douche.
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Endur-Bro
5 years, 9 months ago
Would enjoy being around to hear the explanation to anyone on how/where he got the new gloves.
( O_O )
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
So far, great advice here and I'll echo that. 1) Be honest, and find a middle ground where you can both get out together on occasion, but you still get your "me" rides in. 2) Put her on good equipment if you want to see her progress more.
I started showing my GF how to ride after we were together for a year or so. I knew progression was going to be super slow because this was a more aggressive sport with more chances of scrapes/bruises than she'd tried before. She was game, so I was too, but you need to have the mindset that YOU can't have expectations for her progression. If she had fun, mission accomplished. I was completely honest with my riding goals, to the point where she would ask if I had time for a "charity ride" this Saturday... I love those rides just for the joy of being on two wheels with someone I care about.
She slowly got better and better riding a hand-me-down 2002 Santa Cruz Chameleon with Psylo fork and Grimeca Discs (still worked surprisingly well). Then, after riding that bike for a couple years she got a bit of a settlement from a previous accident and decided this was the time to upgrade. From 2002 Chameleon to heavily upgraded 2015 Trance... Wow. Progression through the roof. We move to the shore a year or so later, and now she's tackling terrain she wouldn't have imagined. It took her 6 years of trail riding to get there, but probably less if she had a better bike sooner. That's OK though, because I bet she's meeting her own expectations, and our once per week (at least) couple ride is getting more and more entertaining for me, as she improves.
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Cr4w
5 years, 9 months ago
In addition to this great advice: go for a proper ride before you go for a ride with her. You'll already have gotten your fill of riding alone or with buddies at your desired intensity/duration. Then you can enjoy your ride with her without resenting her for diverting you.
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
That's also a good point.
I found that even if the "Charity Ride" is my only ride of the day, then bring the hard tail. That thing puts a smile on my face, regardless of rolling speed.
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Cooper Quinn
5 years, 9 months ago
Can we all agree that calling it a "charity ride" is a bit demeaning?
It seems especially unnecessary in this case, as you may actually enjoy these rides
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
Cooper, those are her words, not mine, so I don't agree in this case. We communicate very well, and both share a self-deprecating brand of humor a lot of the time.
I do enjoy our rides together, but that nickname comes from her realization that I'm usually altering my pace, duration, and trail choice accordingly. We're both OK with it, but if that wording isn't inclusive enough for your liking, then maybe it's a perspective thing.
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Cooper Quinn
5 years, 9 months ago
To each their own.
That's just feedback I've heard from other people - if you're both ok with it, give'r!
Dave Tolnai
5 years, 9 months ago
Oh my goodness! I totally forgot about Grimeca brakes!
I had the first gen Deore XT clones of those for a while. With the metal brake hose. Those were some of the coolest looking, most finicky brakes.
What was the deal with Grimeca? I remember hearing the story once before, but I can't remember it.
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
Not sure what happened to the company, but I think shimano liked their design so much they bought or licenced it from them.
As for the ones on my GF's Chameleon, they came on the free bike as a set, I even found spare pads in extremely weathered packaging, but the rear bleed screw stripped out after a decade of sitting. I eventually replaced with some spare 1st Gen Saints, and that front Grimeca is still functioning just fine on the front of my commuter, just for nostalgia sake. That bike has a few stories to tell,
itself... Not sure how to properly post a picture, but it's a doozy.
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Merwinn
5 years, 9 months ago
Dogfan,
1. Riding: If she enjoys riding, THAT in itself is a HUGE plus. If she doesn't, and just wants to spend time with you, buddy, you're a lucky man as that's a pretty big sacrifice.
2. Lessons: She may scared on 'easy' terrain, but we were all scared on comparatively 'easy' stuff at one point. Take lessons from accredited instructors like Endless Biking. Sign her up for a MTB club, like NSRide.com, so she can also meet people who are her skill level, and try new trails (to her).
3. New bike: If you think about it, making a beginner ride an old bike is doing them no favours in terms of progressing. My wife's capability went WAY up by replacing her 8 YO bike this year. Her exact words after the first ride were "the new bike inspires confidence".
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Dave Tolnai
5 years, 9 months ago
Man. You guys are a tough crowd! I actually thought I had been a bit too hard on the guy.
Yes, the question is a bit flippant. But they all tend to be, one way or another. I think there's an "I'm going to send that jackass a question to shut him up!" followed up with an "oh shit! he actually used it!" period of regret a lot of the time.
One point...we don't know the guys financial situation. Bikes are expensive. Maybe that Specialized is all he could manage? It's easy to tell somebody to go buy a new bike, but sometimes harder to execute.
Sorry Dogger!
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Cooper Quinn
5 years, 9 months ago
Agree, bikes are f-ing expensive.
And clearly everyone has jumped to the conclusion that Dogfan isn't riding a 2002 Stinky Dee Lux, which... well we have no idea.
But, there's also rental programs etc - and we can all agree that its likely easier to learn mountain biking if you're on well maintained, more modern equipment.
100% on the lessons. 99% of humans are terrible at teaching their significant other ANYTHING without causing...uh.... "unnecessary stress" in a relationship.
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barefootmeshback
5 years, 9 months ago
Sounds like it is time to practice your communication skills. This person needs to sit down and talk it out with their significant other and come to a compromise before they run out of patience and snap. I would personally pony up and get her a good bike, a legit good bike, or if she is really that tentative but excited about cycling maybe taking up road cycling or touring together might be in order. Then either find places where you can do a lap with her and then a lap on your own or maybe divide up the week so you get a ride on your own somewhere during the week. But really you both need to talk it out. If you can't talk about this, how will you deal with real serious stuff that pops up in a long term relationship? Also there is a decent amount of truth to 'Happy wife, happy life'.
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yahs
5 years, 9 months ago
My wife was on a Specialized 26" short travel trail bike to start out about 5 years ago, think it was a Myka.
she was brand new at MTB , the arguments, oh the arguments. All my fault, not being nice, impatient, blah blah.
Bought her a nice slack 27.5 enduro bike, things got much better. Actually great, it's all a process, actually the Process 153/27.5 saved the day. She is ripping now, love riding with her.
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Endur-Bro
5 years, 9 months ago
"with surprising well functioning Manitou Fork and Fox Float"
My favourite line in this entire question.
So you're significant other is riding what's at least a decade and a half old XC bike. I take the "surprising well functioning" comment to mean you have no idea when the last time the suspension was opened up? Almost any bike besides the one she is on would be better for her.
My advice: If you live near Whistler; head up there for a day or two/weekend. Book her a lesson/guide, rental bike, lift ticket package. Communicate to her (I have no idea how to do this part) that this is the plan and explain that there are competent instructors and trails for beginners.
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Cr4w
5 years, 9 months ago
And enrol one of her friends to be a partner in noobdom. Or take a course to try and find her some new riding buddies at the same skill level.
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Mammal
5 years, 9 months ago
Big props for the Supersuckers mention. Love that band.
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Adventurepew
5 years, 9 months ago
What an idiot, shape up or I hope she leaves you and finds someone to ride with who will enjoy it.
Teaching my wife to mountain bike and our short rides to start out are some of my favorite memorys of the last few years.
Seriously you wonder why she isn't improving? On that old pos bike with no lessons or instructions? Older people don't pick up skills as easy as kids they need instruction.
Buy her a new all mountain bike something used but something good that fits spend around 2500+, get her a weekend at whistler with a beginners girls group or your local lift mountain.
Ride for a week or so then get her a one on one coaching lesson. I bet after the weekend and the coaching you will be riding blues easy and she will have a lot more fun.
Now when you go out for a ride with your wife. Find an area that has shuttle access to hard trails but a good green/blue short trail system. Go for a nice long ride with your girlfriend. then get her to shuttle you for a fun run of your own.
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Cr4w
5 years, 9 months ago
Once she has some basic skills a weekend course in the bike park where she can ride the same features over and over again on a big forgiving bike does wonders for skill and confidence progression.
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yahs
5 years, 9 months ago
Teaching my wife to mountain bike and our short rides to start out are some of my favorite memorys of the last few years.
^ this ^ x2
Yes the days riding together are great memories. The look on her face the first time she cleaned the old double roller at the bottom of Crinkim was priceless. Full stoke, worth every moment I spent coaching her.
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Peter Leeds
5 years, 9 months ago
I will say this.
Back when I started riding women riding was as rare as hen's teeth, and the ones that did ride...I'm not going there. Today, for example, when I ride Seymour....I sure wish I was in the dating scene today. Finding a biker chick as another half......guess I missed that window.
The wisdom Nouseforaname espouses does have some truth to it however. The only one responsible for one's own happiness is themselves, and no one, no wife, girlfriend or whomever, is going to do that in the end. But self fulfillment surely will, and for a biker, there is no better fulfillment than satisfying rides. And also, we never know what the future holds; maybe in 5 years you can't ride anymore due to health or whatever. Carp Diem.
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[user profile deleted]
5 years, 9 months ago
This comment has been removed.
Peter Leeds
5 years, 9 months ago
Reread the sentence, this time with a modicum of understanding english lexicon. If you read it slower you will notice that it has no sexual connotation at all, and in fact that is not in the least what I was implying. Read twice, reply once.
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fartymarty
5 years, 9 months ago
The idea that beginners need beginner bikes is just wrong. Nubies need good capable bikes not some old FS bike from the early 00's or even hardtails. As your skills get better you can "graduate" to a lesser bike or HT or even rigid but not the other way around. An the idea of beginners needing to learn on hardtails is just plain wrong - yes we did it in the old days but it don't make it right.
The idea of swapping bikes is a good one. I would never expect my missus to ride a bike that is less capable or worse than mine.
It leads to another topic of discussion - Teaching your Kids to Ride Off Road... Thoughts on this one would be appreciated (or even an article).
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ZigaK
5 years, 9 months ago
On subject of teaching kids ride mtb: maybe it's just my kids, but, they don't listen. You can carefully explain how to position your weight, when to brake, la, la, la whatever. So I just let them do their own thing, and am ready to catch them or later pick them up.
If they fall I always tell them what a great fall it was. Very important to know how to fall, especially with the bike. Give them high fives for a good fall, they forget it hurts.
If I really want them to try something: don't ride there, it's too dangerous, you will fall.
Just for the perspective, both my sons started on a push bike at age 1+ and a pedal bike at 2+. Now the oldest is 7.
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fartymarty
5 years, 9 months ago
The issue I am having is with bikes. Eldest (7) is on 20" (Frog 52) which is a great bike but she gets beaten up by every little bump / root due to the small wheels and rigid forks. For her next bike I am thinking about getting her a used 26" FS bike.
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ZigaK
5 years, 9 months ago
Went through the same transition you're describing earlier in the year. 7yr went from 20" ht (department store) to something bigger. Initially I was looking for a 24", but, as 26/27.5" is so close in size, the 24" looses out because there is so much more offerings in 26/27.5" XS. Eventually we bought a 27+ ht (spec fuse) and it is really a great bike for rough terrain (relatively speaking). Wide tires and looow pressure do the trick. To be honest, the fork is not doing anything for 20something kg rider weight. It might as well be rigid.
I had to replace dropper post with a regular one so I gained precious few cm so he could reach the pedals :) also shortest stem I could find and it just fits him.
As it turned out plus hardtail is great for my kids, I am looking at cannondale cujo 24" for the 4yr old
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Skyler
5 years, 9 months ago
I see lots of mtb-obsessed parents out on the trails eh modified xs 26ers, and the one thing that consistently send to be overlooked is crank length. Yes, the 11year old fits the cockpit of that bike, but I can see that they're very often struggling really hard to pedal 170 or 165mm cranks, with kid noodle-legs.
...just something to keep in mind.
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fartymarty
5 years, 8 months ago
Good point on the cranks.
Also brake levers are generally huge cf kids small hands. The best kiddy friendly levers I have found are the ones on Isla bikes (Tektro).
Lacy Kemp
5 years, 4 months ago
I have advice for your girlfriend: break up with your guy. He's a jackass that's too scared to talk to you. Get out while you can!
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Bigpapa
5 years, 4 months ago
Yep been there bought that t-shirt. Some people no matter how much time, training or the type of bike they have will not be able to get over the fear of riding on narrow trail and over obstacles. The great thing for me is my lady is the same height is me and I inherited another mtb because she is scared to death of it. Great things is she wants to hang out with me all the time so I have convinced her to shuttle me win win.
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evildos
5 years, 4 months ago
Give her my phone number !
I'll be more than glad to have some nice company on the trails, and you can chase KOMS.
Everybody wins !
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