Whistler Report #13

Good Morning, good evening or good bye NSMB readers. I apologize for this interruption to your usual programming. Your unusual grand master of ceremonies, Todd Hellinga, is in Europe on a Bacardi Breezer bender and tanning his mankini line. He requested that I take over his duty as town crier and soapbox sounding board this week, in a misguided attempt to keep the weekly stream of news, information, bromancing, and parental guidance at it’s usual mature and adult level. However, giving me a qwerty keyboard is like giving a child a bag of Skittles and telling them they can stay up as late as they want.

Todd usually starts his report with a couple paragraphs of beautiful writing about exactly why it is that we tend to see mountain biking through rose tinted lenses, or why we love it more than our imaginary (or often real) first born child. Well, here’s my beautiful couple of paragraphs…

  Here’s Kenny Smith going fast and phat at Phast Wednesday’s race.

So last weekend I took the opportunity to get out of town and visit that mystical land beyond the Hurley, the Chilcotins. After three years of nearly misses, last minute breakdowns, and close calls, I finally got to see and ride this place with my own eyes and tires.

We arrived at the packed Friburg camp spot and instantly it became obvious that a lot of the weekly Loonie crowd from Whistler had temporarily relocated to canvas living. We set up camp quickly and got straight to the business of drinking, sharing yarns, and star gazing through the wildfire smoke in the truck bed. Unfortunately, I was temporarily blind when I went liquor shopping so I came out with a razor blade to pistol fight. As we sipped and shared our solitary 12 ounce bottle of Butter Ripple Schnapps, desperately struggling to find a modicum of alcoholic haze behind the rampant sugar buzz, I began silently lamenting about the constant search for newer, better, and more trails.

  Justin Roy will fix your bike at Summit – when he’s right side up.

You see we mountain bikers can never be content with the trails we have, we are always on the search out for new trails. No matter if we live in the “mecca” of mountain biking that is the Sea-to-Sky Corridor, where trails are more plentiful than days in the calendar, at some point we start looking for the next trail experience somewhere else. Even if just for a dirty weekend away, or a holiday here and there, we are still sniffing around for the next big trail hit like a truffle snuffer.

  Jesse Balhausen has a great name and some solid skills.

Some people say its because mountain biking is addictive like drugs, however I believe this doesn’t really diagnose it properly. I think mountain biking is more like sexual kinks. You see when we are younger we can get a sexual kick simply at the sight of the lingerie page in the Freemans catalogue. This is like our first tentative pedal turns on a mountain bike along some dirt road, it does the job but soon we need to step up it up. So we start looking for pallets to build with, or 30 second fall line singletrack. This is like cranking up our kinks to ever so slightly more risque sexual acts like…err, anyway.

  This is Dylan.  That’s all I know.

Whistler, and the Sea-to-Sky Corridor has so many amazing trails of all shapes and sizes that for people from outside it would seem bizarre that we all still salivate about trails elsewhere and take trips outside of the bubble to dip our fancy into their warm singletrack bosom. So I suppose that makes us all like total sexual delinquents with a completely insatiable sexual thirst for the next step in depravity. 

  Sir Alexander Geddes at full charge.

Talking of depravity, this week sees the annual village fete kick off again. Anyone not familiar with Crankworx should be warned that it is a small gathering of fanatics who use it as a warm up to the real big party of the year, Mantle-Palooza, which is scheduled to go off like a tinfoil wrap of spoons in a microwave sometime in September. Details TBA.

  Kyle McDonald on Deadfall.

Anyway, Crankworx is ten days of hyper sonic battery acid drinking freebie freeride festivities, alcoholic jockeys chasing giant cheques down a mountain, blagging extravaganza demo trouser tents, herding crowds of hopped up hyped up children, and bloody Brad branding boldly on the loudspeakers.

Just like Todd likes to give some friendly advice and guidance, here’s my guide to surviving Crankworx.

Don’t
•    Drink too much free energy drink. Too much has been found by scientifically established standards to be anything more than a sniff of a can. Boys, don’t be fooled into grabbing cans of said produce just so you can grab a cheeky look at the give away girls cleavage.
•    Litter. Seriously, just because you been given something for free doesn’t mean you’re free to discard it as waste as soon as the momentary high has worn off. If you don’t mean to keep it, then don’t take it. Whistler is still a beautiful mountain area, so treat it like you would any other area of natural beauty. Leave only footsteps…and good tips.
•    Complain about the crowds or the lift lines. What did you expect? It’s not your own super sweet sixteen birthday party, so stop crying.
•    Complain about the state of the trails. Yeah of course your own local trails aren’t as bashed up as Whistler, but thats because no one travels to ride your trails as much as you have just travelled to ride Whistler’s trails.

Do
•    Get Kelly McGarry to sign your girlfriend’s boobs. Seriously, it will make their day almost as much as it will make his.
•    Take the opportunity to test ride next year’s bikes. How often do you get to ride a bike, put it back unwashed and have zero guilt?
•    Get tickets early for The Saint Deep Summer Photo Challenge. Six of the most muscled photographers go head to head in an arm wrestle. Well actually they duke it out metaphorically and visually but not literally. The six photogs get three days to shoot, compile and edit a super epic slideshow and the best judged photog (and his team) take home $3,000. The best event at last years Crankworx  by a country mile in my opinion. Wednesday 11th August 7pm at the Fairmont Chateau.
•    Go challenge yourself or just admire the talent required to shred the Crystal Viper. The Ultimate Pump Track Challenge at the top of the Boneyard on Thursday 12th August. Time trials go ahead in the afternoon then the fastest 32 go into the finals which will be at 8pm that evening. The track is insane and it really will take the most skilled rider to claim the prize.
•    Go take in the free all-ages Block Party in the Skiers Plaza on 7th August at 8.30pm. NWD1 will be playing on the big screen, so take in the nostalgia and reflect on where we have come as a sport in ten years.
•    Go smash the dairy out of yourself at the Canadian Cheese Rolling Championship. Not quite as gnarly as the original version in Gloucestershire, England, but damn well tonnes of fun. Another quality bonkers free event that takes place on Saturday 14th August from midday.
•    Join Richie Schley on his Rally race (aka Flankworx). He used to send it off and over things, now he is celebrating the side of mountain biking that most people can relate to. A leisurely climb up then a thrash metal downhill…times three. Taking place on three of the legendary Whistler Westside trails from up on the Flank on Saturday 14th August. Do not bring your DH bikes because even the climbs aren’t timed, you still have a slim time slot to make it to the top for each thrill ride back down. Go to the WORCA website to find out more and sign up.

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Got any tips to add to your list?  Or some updates on park conditions after a significant rainfall the other night?  Send it here…